before i was in kindergarten i went with my mother to meet with the teacher. it was sort of an orientation type thing to get the kids used to the room and so that they felt like they knew the teacher on the first day. the teacher felt like it would be fun to have me find my desk and where i would be sitting in the class room that year. all the kids names where on name tags on the desks. as i walked up and down the rows of desks i came across a name. this was a name i recognized. however, it was not my name. it was like my name but spelled with a one letter difference. i pointed to this desk, not out of my own personal spelling mistake or simple error on my part, but rather to save the teacher the embarrassment of spelling my name wrong. of course it was pointed out to me that i had chosen the wrong desk. i know that both the teacher and my mother thought i had mad a simple mistake that any 4 year old would make confusing and I with a Y, however, that was not the case.

this kind of thing still happens to me all the time.

when we are alone in the field
i will never be sad again
nothing matters
i just want to make it to that field
tall grass and one tree and two people
giving and taking and the breeze blowing
i know the field is waiting for us
i feel the love like a breeze that has blown in from far away
i will keep walking
i will keep waiting for the day

i miss the future i had imagined.

i recently spoke to a girl who i at one time saw naked. in this moment i was shocked by how beautiful she was. i had seen her with clothes on many times, and i did not expect that under these clothes was something so statuesque and perfect. i did not touch her. i do not regret this. but the image that is in my mind is permanent. this i regret. i would be better off not knowing this beauty existed within my grasp.

the things i miss. the people i miss.
she was as a wild bird flying so high above me.
how could i even think to possess?
i dont miss who they are now. i miss who they were. and who they were to me.
the young girl i saw walking. she is gone. i will never touch her. even as i held her at one time she was no longer that girl.

i miss the future i had imagined.

the wild horses of my heart surround me
i will be trampled under their feet
its by choice i let them run wild
it is by choice that they are free
only youth will save us from
the curse of old age
so come make me young again, beautiful
my horses run open ranged

From Tommy

July 3 at 1:33am
Dear Brian,

I don't mean to sound impersonal but this letter is more formal than I would usually send any friend on facebook. But for a strange reason I feel the need to write this way. About fifteen minutes ago, I had a conversation with you on the phone basically about maintaining our sanity in this capricious and unforgiving quarter life. You were about to "paint a picture" for me and it was around that time when the call was lost and many attempts to reach you were failed. It was quite frustrating. When I realized that there was no chance of being able to call you back, I became overwhelmed with guilt because one of your first questions to me was "Where can I find this said satisfaction?" And I guess God is the best answer of course but recently that's been a vague and dead answer. So I said "I don't know." The guilt I feel is partly because of the whole God thing. But it is mostly because when I decided to write you a letter, I chose to use Salinger instead of the Bible as a form of comfort.

But this is my justification: Whenever anyone uses the Bible as a form of comfort, it tends to be more direct, lacking in relatable examples especially in our situation. Though one can argue that our situation may simply need an attitude adjustment, it is much more complex than that. And I don't want to go into details seeming that you already know. I remember talking to Matt Kummer when he was having a mental breakdown over the phone. I told him that he needed to change his attitude and he immediately responded "HOW DO I DO THAT!?" It was a bit cold of me to say that to him because after that, I stopped having answers. And it wasn't about having answers; it was about me saying to him "I know, I get it, and you don't have to explain." Sometimes people need that intuitive person. With you, Brian, I feel that I'm partly intuitive with you and that is only because I know you're story. But beyond that, every time we have these conversations, I sincerely wish I could dive into your brain. Of course, that is not possible. So I do my best by listening carefully, putting pieces together, and speak with the best choice of words I could come up with. Sometimes I'm good at it and other times I fail miserably. And when that happens, it usually goes unsaid. That's how we prefer it. Now, this is not to say that the Bible has nothing to say about our situation. I'm sure that there's a proverb hiding somewhere just itching to pierce our heart. But this is what you remind me of:

"'Look,' I said. 'I don't feel very much like myself tonight. I've had a rough night. Honest to God. I'll pay you and all, but do you mind very much if we don't do it? Do you mind very much?' The trouble was, I just didn't want to do it. I felt more depressed than sexy, if you want to know the truth. She was depressing. Her green dress hanging in the closet and all. And besides, I don't think I could ever do it with somebody that sits in a stupid movie all day long. I really don't think I could."

In conclusion, I know how you will take this. I only hope for your sake that it was the right thing to say. And to answer THE question, I could tell you that you need to change your attitude. But I won't. Rather, I will say I know, I get it, and you don't have to explain.

Sincerely,

Tommy